I Thought of Just Your Face
by EmmaMary
Summary: In his frightened mind it isn’t fair. They have nothing, he has everything. He has Haley. NH. Set Directly after S.3 finale. Spoilery.


**Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with, nor do I own anything that has to due with One Tree Hill, or Blue October.**

----------------------------------------------------------

He had to do it, he had to jump in after Cooper, he just had to. The crash alone had almost defiantly knocked him out. Nathan would just pull him out and everything would be fine.

_I'm just a normal boy  
That sank when I fell overboard  
My ship would leave the country  
But I'd rather swim ashore _

But why did he feel the need to tell Haley he loved her before he jumped?

Why did he need to say goodbye?

_Without a life that's sadly stuck again  
Wish I was much more masculine  
Maybe then I could learn to swim  
Like 'fourteen miles away' _

He wasn't expecting this, he didn't think before he jumped, he wasn't listening to Haley's protests.

You're floating up and down  
I spin, colliding into sound  
Like whales beneath me diving down  
I'm sinking to the bottom of my  
Everything that freaks me out  
The lighthouse beam has just run out  
I'm cold as cold as cold can be  
be

The current the car had created as it splashed against the cold water pulls him down. It knocks all of the wind out of him. He is unable to come back up to take an extra breath. How he needs to breathe.

I want to swim away but don't know how  
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean  
Let the waves up take me down  
Let the hurricane set in motion  
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down  
Let the rain come down

The car, there is still air in the car, he has to get some, has to if he wants to save his uncle. If he wants to save himself.

Where is the coastguard  
I keep looking each direction  
For a spotlight, give me something  
I need something for protection

One of the back doors of the limo is open. Using every last ounce of energy in him Nathan trusts the door open. His lungs are replenished with the trapped air.

This is a limo however, and Nathan forgot that he can't get to his uncle back here, he needs to be upfront. He starts to tread over to the small window leading into the driver's quarters, and then he sees it.

Green silk.

_Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine  
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind  
I'm treading for my life believe me  
(How can I keep up this breathing) _

In his haste he's forgotten that Rachael is in the car too.

_  
_He can't get to them from here, he has to go out and try to get a passenger door open. He looks back at the entrance he came through; horrifically, he notices the door has been shut by the river, trapping him in what was supposed to be a getaway for him and Haley.

Haley.

The water is steadily rising all around him.

_  
Not knowing how to think  
I scream aloud, begin to sink  
My legs and arms are broken down  
With envy for the solid ground _

He screams her name, he doesn't know what else to do, how he wishes he was back with her.

_  
I'm reaching for the life within me  
How can one man stop his ending  
I thought of just your face  
Relaxed, and floated into space _

He thinks of her, and he has to fight, fight for everything they should have.

Nathan takes a large gulp of air as the water buries him.

I want to swim away but don't know how  
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean  
Let the waves up take me down  
Let the hurricane set in motion  
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down  
Let the rain come down  
Let the rain come down

How he wishes he didn't jump in. If he had known what he knows now, he would have listened to Haley, he wouldn't be here right now. She was the one that was always right, why had he never learned that.

Selfishly he wished he had let them drown. Cooper and Rachael, what do they have. Maybe it's the panic that is rising every moment as he tries to no avail to push the single door of the car open. Or maybe it's the lack of oxygen, but he cannot think of one thing they have to live for, and now, instead of making himself and others mourn the loss of two people, he is adding another.

In his frightened mind it isn't fair. They have nothing, he has everything.

He has Haley.

Now waking to the sun  
I calculate what I had done  
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)  
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)

Why did he do this? Was it to be the hero?

No. To save a life, it wasn't selfish at all. Yet always in the back of his mind he had known he couldn't, he had known Cooper would die anyway.

But he had never thought that maybe he would be going with him. Maybe this is what he gets, maybe this is karma.

This is karma biting him in the ass because of why he jumped. He had jumped because he didn't want to live with the fact that he _hadn't. _He knew Copper wouldn't make it; every law in every science class he had ever taken made him realize he wasn't strong enough to compete with the water.

He didn't want his family to look at him and wonder why he didn't even try to help them.

He wanted them to console him, telling him it wasn't his fault. There was nothing he could have done. That he was brave for even trying.

Because in his messed up mind, if he hadn't tried, it would be his fault, but if he did, it wouldn't be.

Maybe he wanted to be rewarded; he never did get enough of that as a child.

_It's midnight's late reminder of  
The loss of her, the one I love  
My will to quickly end it all  
So thought no end my need to fall _

And now he's loosing the only person he would really be willing to loose his life for. If it was Haley that would be saved due to his death, he would die in and instant.

But it's not Haley, and he doesn't want to die.

Into the ocean, end it all  
Into the ocean, end it all  
Into the ocean, end it all  
into the ocean...end it all

They should live their life together.

He can see it now.

Holding her hand as they walk though the town, her working late, and him bringing her dinner, holding her close when she's had a rough day and needs to be comforted, their children, little rowdy boys and sweet little girls running around their home.

She had always been the one who made him a better person. He actually liked the Nathan he was when he was with her.

Nathan doesn't think of playing college or even professional ball. He doesn't think of the money, or shooting a winning basket.

Nathan thinks of Haley.

Into the ocean

_Goodbye _

_End it all_

_Goodbye_

Wasn't your past supposed to flash before you before you died, not your future.

There wasn't any white light either.

I want to swim away but don't know how  
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean  
Let the waves up take me down  
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)  
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down  
Let the rain come down

Nathan can feel his body began to leave him his eyes began to drift. His body no longer screams for air.

Into the ocean

_Goodbye_

_End it all_

_Goodbye  
In to space _

He rams all his strength into the door, for himself, for her.

_  
Into the ocean_

_Goodbye_

_End it all _

_Goodbye_

He feels it give slightly.

_  
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye) _

Nathan does it again, again, again.

_I thought of just your face_


End file.
